The Little Things…

Slogging ones way through the cycle of treatment, you really do start to appreciate little things. You have to let go of the level of activity and accomplishment you had before the relentless round of powerful drugs began. It’s either that or drive yourself crazy with frustration and depression. On the other hand, you can begin to appreciate as accomplishments things you either took for granted or viewed as things to get out of the way in the past; for instance: housecleaning.

My wife is the beneficiary of this newfound appreciation of accomplishing small tasks. The house has been a bit cleaner, in some rooms anyway, than it was before I started treatment. Weekends usually find me in the headache, backache, nausea, fatigue, and muscle weakness phase of my injection cycle. This generally means that I don’t get out and do much outside the house on at least one of the weekend days. But I can clean the bathrooms, or degrease the stove, clean the grout, you know, all the delightful tasks that you generally find any excuse to avoid. When you spend the day really getting some part of your environment clean, it makes you feel better. You’ve done something good for yourself and your family. It may not be much, but it does have the feel of accomplishment. And there is always the benefit of having your wife say, “Honey, did you clean the cooktop? It looks like new.” As any married guy knows, a happy wife makes for a happy husband.

Reorganizing is another manageable task that can give you a sense of progress. Over the past several weeks, I have opened cupboards, ventured into closets and examined boxes that have not been opened, ventured into or examined in months (okay years, but that might be revealing too much…). It is amazing how much room you can create just buy arranging things in a logical way instead of the “throw it in and close the door before it can escape” method. The archaeological finds you can make in the back of your closets are quite amazing as well. When did you wear those shoes, where did that shirt come from and I don’t remember that photo at all are the sorts of reactions you can expect. There is nothing like the joy your wife expresses when she discovers that there is now additional room in the closet for more stuff!

After a day of cleaning, reorganizing, weeding, or some other task, there is also the joy of flopping down in front of the TV and discovering that the movie “Juno” just started and you can recover while enjoying a great flick. Small movie, but huge enjoyment.

Another thing I have had to learn to accept and let slide is the effect brain fog has on my ability to write. It’s not hard to sit at the computer and write; I have the energy to do that. It is the frustration of sitting in front of the screen while trying to remember where I was going with a particular story or experience. Combine that with not be able to remember the words for certain thoughts, actions, feelings and even places and things and it really drove me crazy. Now I just sit here and let it slide. It’s still annoying, but the flip side is that I can genuinely say to people, “I have no idea,” or “I don’t remember that at all” in all sorts of situations. Gets you off the hook when your blank look of incomprehension is clearly real.

I would the mindset resembles the one touted in the AA serenity prayer. Unfortunately there is no chance that I will have the wisdom to know the difference…